Turning Back the Clock
by Ladyamesindy
Summary: Commander Sian Shepard is gathering a team to take on the Collectors. Along the way, she must face a part of her past she thought long since gone. Set in the Mass Effect 2 era. Part of the Commander Sian Shepard series.
1. Chapter 1

"Shepard."

Sian ducked out of the med-bay, escaping yet another attempt by Dr. Chakwas - _Karin_ - requesting her to relent and submit to surgery to heal the ever present scars that remained from her resurrection. Sian continuously refused, declaring them to be an 'in your face' reminder that she was back and meant business. To be quite honest, and Sian was nothing if not completely and brutally honest with herself these days, she didn't really care one way or another if she was marked. She was still of mixed opinions about her return anyway. Simmering rage and raw power constantly battled just beneath the surface layer of her skin; why not let others see her conflict with added emphasis? No one _asked_ her if she wanted to live again. She could have found contentment in death … or at least a way to hide from the pain of living. Alone.

It was, however, during her escape from one well-intentioned friend, that another noticed her and caught her attention. Sighing, the merest hint of a smile at her lips due to friendly affection, Sian responded. _Garrus._ How could she deny him? He, too, had been there before. Like her, he understood all too well just how much the past affected her actions and decisions these days. If anyone aside from the doctor or maybe Joker was to understand her current state of mind (and conflict), or at least come close to understanding, it would be him.

Garrus wasn't alone, however, and if Sian was reading him right, he was in a highly agitated state at the moment. That set off internal alarms. Back on the SR1, Wrex was the one Sian had worried most about losing his temper around everyone else. But she'd handled the krogan fine. When upset or irritated, Garrus was usually much more subtle about it. _At least, until Sidonis_. Eyes narrowing in concern, Sian now walked over to join him and Jack. _Jack?_ Of all people, he was talking to the hell-raising biotic. Sian's eyes drifted back and forth between the two. Not exactly the least likely of allies given the current makeup of her crew, she supposed, but it came pretty damned close.

_Curious_.

"What's up?" Sian asked, hands sliding into pockets to keep from fidgeting as she moved into position beside Garrus. Wouldn't do to have the Commander acting like a hyperactive child in front of her squadmates now, would it?

Jack turned to face her. "I was looking through that information you gave me."

Sian nodded. _The files on Cerberus_. The only request the biotic made in return for her cooperation against the Collectors. Sian agreed to it immediately, without hesitation. Miranda, however, saw things differently when she found out, but Sian made her position quite clear: give Jack the files she requested or, Cerberus operator or not, Miranda's ass would be out the airlock. Miranda reluctantly complied.

Pulling her lower lip between her teeth, Sian began worrying it back and forth. Experience with a krogan battlemaster notwithstanding, she wasn't sure she could handle Jack just then if she decided to go off on another tear against the 'fucking Cerberus cheerleader.' There were too many other concerns to worry about at the moment.

_Pick your battles wisely_, a voice in the back of her mind counseled silently. "Okay," Sian replied. "I take it you found something of interest?"

Where Sian expected Jack to speak up assertively, defiantly as she usually did, the Commander instead found the younger woman looking hesitantly over towards the turian, of all people, her eyes holding a look of concern that to Sian was unexpected. The biotic's behavior was hinting that Jack … what? Approached Garrus before bringing it to Sian's attention? Was she _afraid_ to bring it to Sian's attention? Felt the need for someone to run interference for her? _Now THAT would be an interesting prospect_. But then again, it raised another question: Why would Jack take _any_ of her questions to Garrus in the first place? Sian wouldn't go so far as to say that Jack appeared to have issues with anyone who wasn't human - she made it clear during their previous discussions that the majority of her animosity was focused _ON_ humans. However, given how Warden Kuril treated Jack back on Purgatory, Sian could admit some surprise that the turian might be the biotic's first choice.

"Shepard, you need to see this," Garrus informed her, breaking off Sian's thoughts by handing over the datapad.

Taking it in hand, Sian skimmed through it. From the get go, it was clear the information wasn't anything directly associated with Jack … but it _did_ deal with biotics. Frowning, Sian continued reading, this time paying more attention to detail. She was confused by what she was seeing. Everything hinted at something tied in with the project that brought her back, only this one had a different name. Rather than _Lazarus_, it was called _Phoenix_. Sian's frown deepened. _Another Cerberus project …._

"Don't you get it?"

Sian glanced up when Jack's words burst out. "Get what?" she asked. Jack jabbed a finger at the name on the datapad. Eyes narrowing once again, Sian reread the section and sifted through memories. Probably would have been easier if Ashley was with her, bantering back and forth with her about it since they'd both loved to read the stuff, but oh well …. _Phoenix._ "Greek mythology, I believe," she observed.

Jack snorted. "Shit, Shepard, that part was a gimme. Now prove you actually _know_ something." Sian glared over at Jack, but the younger woman didn't seem fazed in the least. "Oh, come _ON_, Shepard! Garrus says you like to read that shit. Don't you remember what the Phoenix was? What happens to it?"

"It's a bird that, when it dies, the flames consume it and it will be reborn from the ashes," Sian replied easily enough. "Essentially, perpetual life. Jack, what the hell -?"

Sian was a bit startled when Jack yanked the datapad out of her hand, made an angry swipe to scroll further down the page and then shoved it right back into Sian's hand. "There," she stated, finger jabbing at a different part. "Read _that_ and tell me you don't know what the fuck that shit's hinting at."

Sian spared Garrus a quick glance and noticed even he was looked rather wan. The blue clan markings on his face seemed even starker than usual in appearance. Irrationally and out of the blue, Sian wondered briefly if it was possible for turians to pale like humans did right before passing out ….

Shaking her head, Sian's gaze drifted back down to the datapad ….

_**Project Phoenix**_

_**Date of launch: September, 2183**_

_**Location: Phoenix base, Acheron System, Styx Theta**_

_**Mission: Reconstruction and regeneration of "Phoenix," potential future use in Alliance-related missions.**_

"'Alliance-related missions?'" Sian murmured, pausing in her reading to glance up at her companions. "Were they planning to infiltrate the Alliance with someone?"

"Just keep reading," Garrus urged. Sian heard an urgency in his tone now. One that she had either missed before or simply hadn't noticed before.

_**REVISED (April, 2184): Phoenix target goal - use in future missions associated with LAZARUS. All efforts to upgrade Phoenix are hereby authorized. Failure is not acceptable. Issues/questions should be brought to attention of Miranda Lawson, director of Lazarus Project.**_

"_**Phoenix": Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, Alliance marine**_

_**Current condition: Final stages of recovery, post-Virmire. Retrofit of new biotic hardware complete. Ready to initiate retraining phase.**_

_**Known associates: Captain David Anderson, Lt. Commander Sian Shepard, Dr. Karin Chakwas, Flt. Lt. Jeff Moreau, Operations Chief Ashley Williams, Dr. Liara T'Soni, Garrus Vakarian, Urdnot Wrex, Tali'zorah nar Raaya, Chief Engineer Adams**_

The crashing sound of the datapad falling to the deck was lost on Sian but not her companions. Garrus was the first to move, hand reaching out to steady her with a firm grip on her shoulder. "Shepard?"

Sian struggled to breathe through the ache exploding throughout her chest. _Kaidan? But how can it be? How is he alive? We saw him die!_ "I … I'm good," she rasped after a moment. Jack stood beside her, arms folded, a smug, knowing look crossing her features. But along with that, Sian thought she could identify some sort of … solidarity? An anger on her behalf? "How … how did you know?" Sian asked in confusion. What had been building between her and Kaidan years ago was nipped in the bud well before it ever became common knowledge. Even Ashley wasn't certain until after Virmire, and she and Sian were as close as two sisters.

Jack nodded over at Garrus. "Vakarian," she replied. "Joker, too." A casual shrug of shoulders. "I wondered about your past, about what led to now. Wanted to make sure this wouldn't turn into another Cerberus led shit-fest, y'know? Later, I saw that." she pointed to the datapad still lying on the floor but didn't move to touch it. "You were busy. Who the fuck else would I take it to? You know damned well cheerleader won't admit to anything. Not to me, anyways."

_Cheerleader …. Miranda …._

Springing into action, Sian scooped up the datapad and turned sharply, stalking away. She heard Jack chuckling madly behind her and honestly, the younger woman's reaction wasn't so much fueling the fire inside of Sian as it was echoing it. Garrus' steps trailed quickly behind. He sounded wary as he called out her name, but Sian ignored him, opting to burst into Miranda's office without announcing her presence beforehand. Her blood was boiling now, simmering just beneath the surface of her skin. Sian was, by nature, a diplomat, but this ….

One last gleeful cackle from Jack echoed throughout the crew deck as the door closed behind Sian ...

~ 0 ~

The journey via the shuttle was made in complete silence. Sian's call for 'all hands on deck' on this mission, including Miranda and Jacob, while unexpected had a logical purpose. But that didn't take away the tension that remained and was almost palpable. Sian didn't care. For the first time in a long time - since Virmire, really - she found herself thinking ahead, beyond the next battle, beyond finding and obtaining the objective. This time, the objective was personal.

What they would find when they got there, though, was anyone's guess. Broken pieces? A shell of what was once one of the strongest and best trained soldiers she had ever known? Stalwart. Loyal. Reliable. Steady. All of that, and more. Would now find it torn away along with the man he had once been, or would there still be signs of familiarity?

Discussion with Miranda hadn't helped ease concerns either.

"_Cerberus is broken down into individual cells, Shepard," Miranda argued. "Each cell has its own purpose, none of the cells are connected."_

"_Then tell me how this," she tossed the datapad with the Phoenix information in front of Miranda on her desk, "references Lazarus? And you? You HAD to know about this, Miranda!"_

The Illusive Man's agent didn't have an answer to that - or perhaps she simply didn't want to provide one. Whatever the case, Sian decided to bring her along, just in case her connections could help them in some way. Sian was taking nothing for granted this time around. Not when the cost was so high.

"Commander, we'll be allowed to land inside the security zone," the shuttle pilot informed her.

Sian nodded to the others as she rose to her feet. It was time. "Be ready," was all she told him in reply.

"Yes, ma'am."

Shepard turned towards the others. "Jack, Mordin and Miranda with me. The rest of you with Garrus." She exchanged a long look with her turian friend, almost smiling at the solemn nod he gave her in return. He knew the stakes involved. "You know what we're looking for."

"Got it, Shepard."

~ 0 ~

"Shepard."

Mordin's voice caught her attention from the doorway ahead of her. Moving quickly, she stepped up and peeked around the corner, glancing inside. A moment later, she turned back to the others and gestured them over. Only then did she enter the room. Slowly, cautiously, she approached the bed. He was facing away, his head turned towards the wall. She couldn't tell if he was asleep or awake, but a moment later the sound of her boot against the tiled floor was enough. Eyes focused solely on him, she watched his head slowly turn, rolling over to the other side ….

Their eyes met and held. Shock. Surprise. Disbelief mixed with recognition. But beneath all that ….

"Shepard?"

His entire body shifted, like a plant seeking out the sun in order to survive, and it was then Sian saw the restraints binding his wrists to the bed rails. Green eyes widened and darted back to his. "Kaidan."

"Shepard?" His voice was barely a rasp as he repeated her name. "They … they said … you were dead …."

Rage, so volatile and bubbling inside of her, roared through her in that moment; sharp, fierce, focused. Sian's hand darted out, fought against the restraints holding him, finally releasing first one and then the other. Attempting to swallow back some of her anger, she tried to laugh but it came out sounding choked and rather hollow. "Nah," she managed, a half smile tilting at her lips, her eyes making contact with his yet again, "You know I'm made of sterner stuff than that. Besides, someone had to come and find you …."

The minute both wrists were freed, he sat up, reaching for her. Sian couldn't keep herself from his touch, her own arms sliding around him, holding him as close as she could. Eyes closing tightly, she fought back wave after wave of agony. "God, Kaidan! I … I thought I'd lost you." Her voice was a raw, raspy cry, thick and filled with years of repressed sorrow.

His arms banded around her, solid steel across her back, refusing to move, locked into place as they held her close. And it felt _good_. "Same here," he managed after a long moment.

Pulling back a bit, Kaidan moved to rest his forehead against hers. Sian could see tight lines of pain creasing his forehead, the corners of his eyes, the edges of his lips. "What do you need?" she asked, turning to wave Mordin over. As the salarian lifted his omni-tool and began his examination, she raised a hand to touch Kaidan's cheek. "Migraine?"

But Kaidan shook his head. "No," he told her, hand rising to grasp hers, pull it down to his. "Just … memories." Eyes opening he looked full into hers. "Commander, I -"

Sian pulled back sharply. _Commander._ But he must have noticed, because he continued on, each word strengthening his voice. "Sian." His hand tightened around her now slack one. "They _told_ me you died over Alchera. That you and the _Normandy_ went down together."

Sian blinked. Off to her right, Mordin's voice assured her that Kaidan showed no signs of traumatic injury, only recovery from recent surgery. The doctor's words barely registered. "When?" she asked.

He sighed, eyes searching hers. "Years ago."

Sian blanched and turned away for a moment. "And I saw you die at Virmire …," she whispered.

"No."

She blinked before turning back to face him, the surety in his tone alerting her that he would argue. "What do you mean, 'No'?" she demanded. It was the spark of life behind amber colored eyes that gave her a hint of fire.

"You didn't 'see' me die at Virmire," he told her. "You saw the bomb go off. By the time it did, I wasn't there."

Sian gasped, pulling back from him though his grasp on her hand tightened. She could have argued the same - that he hadn't "seen" her die either, so how could he believe whoever it was had told him, but she didn't. Instead ... "But … how?" she breathed after a moment.

There was a rustle of movement over by the door, the entry of additional people into the room, but Sian wasn't worried. A quick glance assured her their identities, and Kaidan provided the rest. "Garrus?"

The turian stepped forward, nodding. "Kaidan. Good to see you still breathing."

Kaidan managed a nod of agreement, his eyes scanning the others. He stiffened when he spotted Miranda and Jacob … and the logo on their gear. "Sian …?"

"Long story," she told him softly, moving so that he could slide off of the bed and stand. He was slow at first which resulted in immediate concern. "Can you walk?" she asked.

Kaidan nodded again. "Yeah … just need a minute. They haven't let me up much recently."

Sian gestured Mordin over again as the salarian went to work assisting Kaidan as best he could. Sian glanced over at Garrus. "We're leaving here now," she told him, her voice turning harsh again. "Make sure we have a clear exit."

If turians could smirk, Sian thought, that was the look Garrus gave her then. "On it," he promised, herding the others out of the room.

When Sian turned back, she found Mordin nodding. "Good to go, Shepard," he told her.

Sian glanced around the room, but saw no other clothing than the t-shirt and loose fitting pants he was wearing. "Will you come with me?" she asked, giving him the option no one gave her.

"You have to ask?" he countered.

Sian handed him her pistol. "I think we both have a lot to ask," she reminded him, "but this is neither the time nor the place." _And if you change your mind later, at least I will know you live._

Their eyes met and held for a long moment, but ultimately, Kaidan nodded. "Point taken." Then gesturing towards the door with his pistol, he added, "Let's get out of here."

As with her trip in, Sian and her group found little resistance on the way out. Whatever personnel had been in place when they entered had been removed or relocated, which made their journey to the shuttle pad quick and easy. It also had her wondering if Miranda had contacted them or the Illusive Man before their arrival here.

Approaching the landing pad, Sian saw Kaidan's shoulders stiffen as he identified the Cerberus logo on the shuttle. Moving quickly to his side, she murmured, "Trust me." He considered this for a half a second, his eyes meeting and holding hers for a long moment, but then he nodded again and entered the shuttle of his own volition. Sian followed a minute later, the door closing just as the shuttle began to lift ...


	2. Chapter 2

Sian exited the debriefing room with a glower in her eyes and obvious frustration in her step. Even Kelly Chambers was eyeing her warily, maintaining a safe distance as the Commander prowled the space in front of the elevator, anxiously awaiting its arrival. It was just as well. Sian was in no mood to talk to anyone closely associated with Cerberus in that moment. As it was, they would be damned lucky if she kept her promise to fulfill the mission against the Collectors and not dump the lot of them out the airlock before they hit their next destination.

The lift arrived giving Sian a few moments of peace but no more separation from events than before. By the time it arrived on the crew deck, Sian was pacing like a wild tiger of old trapped within the confines of a too small cage. Exiting with more than just a hint of agitation in her step, she followed the path around to the med-bay. There she waved off Garrus and Jack, releasing them from protection detail and entered the room alone.

It came as no surprise to Sian to find Kaidan seated in a chair near the doctor's desk rather than on one of the beds, speaking with each other one-on-one rather than as patient to doctor. Affecting a smile and doing her best to hide her current level of irritation with Cerberus, the Illusive Man in particular, Sian walked towards them. "So, doctor," she murmured, the merest hint of humor in her tone, "how is our patient doing?"

Sian met Kaidan's gaze as he turned, but the majority of her focus was on Chakwas as she elucidated the results of her examination. "Everything seems to be quite in order, Commander. No major health issues whatsoever from what I can tell. He has even been refitted with the L5 implant like your own."

That gave Sian a momentary cause to blink. "Really?"

Kaidan offered a half hearted smile. "Yeah. That 'recent surgery' your salarian doctor mentioned before?" Sian nodded. "The were making adjustments to the new model they replaced the L2 with."

"I thought the dangers outweighed the benefits for replacement," Sian said.

Kaidan shrugged. "Guess they couldn't handle my migraines as well as I could."

Sian felt her nose twitch as she fought back a laugh. "Interesting," she murmured in reply, "and a story I would very much like to hear." Crossing her arms and cocking her hip to the right, the corner of Sian's lip rose just a bit higher. "Can I spring him, then, doctor?"

Chakwas chuckled and set her datapad on top of her desk. "I don't see why not. Take things slow and easy for a while, Lieutenant. Your implant seems to be functioning well enough, but there is no sense in rushing things."

"Thank you, doctor," he replied before turning to precede Sian out of the room.

Sian gave Chakwas one last look, but the doctor simply smiled and nodded in return. Reassured, Sian followed after Kaidan.

But once they were outside the med-bay, alone with the other for the first time in a very long time and with so much distance between then and now, Sian suddenly found herself fighting back a severe case of nerves unlike any she'd experienced since her teenage years on Mindoir. "So," she began, stepping out into the mess hall beside him but pointedly keeping her eyes away from his for the moment, "what first? Are you hungry? Thirsty? If you're tired, we can probably find you a place to bunk, temporarily at least, in the crew quarters. Or maybe even -"

"Sian."

Slowly she turned, her eyes meeting his and only then did Sian sigh. He didn't have to say more than her name for her to recognize that she was rambling on at full speed. And the look in his eyes … well, memories of those awkward moments leading up to and just before Virmire, promises made but never kept, returned. Commander Fucking Shepard apparently had not overcome her nerves during her two year absence, but only gotten worse. _Old habits die hard_, she thought. Hand rising to rub at the back of her neck, Sian blushed. "Sorry."

She saw his jaw work for a moment, shifting slightly as if he might say something to her, but he remained quiet for another moment. "What I would really like is some place where we can talk," he finally told her. "Anything like that around here?"

Sian took a deep breath before smiling. Turning, she led him to the elevator. "I know just the place."

~ 0 ~

Sian gestured Kaidan towards the lower area of her cabin as they entered. "Have a seat," she told him as she followed. As she'd hoped, he settled himself on one of the couches, leaving plenty of room for her to sit where she wanted. Opting for the seat catty-corner to him, she dropped and settled in while he took a long look around the room. His eyes missed nothing, if she was reading the expressions in his eyes correctly, and when his gaze shifted towards the work area behind her, she offered him a reassuring smile. "The room is clean," she promised. "Garrus even double checked for me after he joined the team. Does weekly checks to make sure that hasn't changed, too."

That brought Kaidan's eyes back to meet hers. Like earlier, he hesitated, as if gathering his thoughts together. Sian was content to give him the time and space needed. "So … yeah. About all this ..."

The right corner of Sian's lip curled up slightly in soft smile of understanding as she saw the flurry of emotions cross his face. _So many things to say. Where to begin?_ "I'll go first if you want," she suggested while crossing her legs beneath her, "just so long as you promise to tell me your story in full after."

He shifted in his seat in what looked to be discomfort, but he followed with a smile. "I will," he promised.

Slowly, briefly, she began recounting the events following their separation at Virmire. For the moment, she did her best to skip over her own personal reactions, her focus on the mission as a whole in order to catch him up. The recall of the _Normandy_ to the Citadel. The Council's decision to focus on defense, refusing to believe that Saren could pose any further threat. Udina's betrayal. Anderson's unflailing and unfaltering support throughout the rest of the mission despite the risk to his career. Ilos … Vigil … the Conduit … Saren … Sovereign ...

During her recitation, Sian rose and retrieved a bottle and two glasses she kept hidden away for emergencies. More for herself at this point, though she suspected he might require the bracing effects of the whiskey later on. Downing the contents of her glass in one gulp, she poured a second and took her seat again, picking up where she left off.

"The Council asked my opinion for who should become the first human councilor. I suggested Anderson." She managed a small laugh at the memory of her mentor's reaction. "Not sure he was pleased with the idea, but he agreed since the only other option was Udina. After that, we were given a week of downtime before reassignment." She sighed heavily, memories of that week as clear as if they were just a few days before, though she did not detail how she spent the time. "A much needed break after all we'd been through."

Kaidan was leaning back, arm resting on the back of the couch. "One deservedly earned," he agreed.

Sian took an unsteady breath and raised her eyes to meet his. A half-smile tilting at her lips, she continued quietly, "Maybe. When we came back we were sent out on 'cleanup duty.' A nice idea, but we all knew it was really just political maneuvering. The Council wanted us out of the way; we were an open reminder of the 'Reaper problem' they wanted out of sight so that their neat and tidy lives could just continue on, uninterrupted." She had no doubt he could hear the bitterness in her tone, but she would deal with that later. After all, he'd been there in the beginning. He _knew_ what the Council could be like.

"And so you were out on patrol?"

Sian nodded, eyes locked onto the liquid in her glass. She had yet to take a sip from her refill, but you couldn't tell by how it was currently sloshing around within the restraints of the glass. Tremors so subtle at first but ones that began building upon one another the closer she came to telling him about her last actual moments of life ….

Kaidan shifted in his seat and the movement pulled her eyes from the glass. "Where were you?" he asked quietly, leaning forward, elbows coming to rest upon his knees, hands folded beneath his chin. "I wasn't given details, just the announcement that you had been killed in action."

Swallowing tightly, Sian lifted the tumbler to her lips and took a small sip. The fiery burn of the whiskey as it traveled through her system this time was of little comfort. Setting the glass aside on the coffee table, she sat back again. "The Amada System," she rasped. "We were over Alchera when the Collectors struck." She noticed she was squirming slightly in her seat and rose to prowl around the room instead. "Ash made sure … the crew got to the escape pods … Joker wouldn't evacuate so I …," the tremors were more violent now, obvious in the way her hands shook so she set the glass aside on her desk, her shoulders trembling as she turned away from him, "I went to get him. They came around to attack again and …." Her voice was rough, hoarse and filled with a violent wave of emotion charging through her. For several long moments, she stood still, hands balled into tight fists at her side, eyes clamped tightly shut, her face turned away. She forgot where she was and who was with her … until the weight of a hand at her shoulder guided her back to the present and had her spinning around sharply.

"Sian, don't," Kaidan told her quietly. "Don't relive it."

Sian's eyes found his, allowing him to read the toll the experience had taken on her in her eyes. She knew what he'd find there - what she saw each time she looked into the mirror in her bathroom. It was part of the reason she purposely covered the reflective glass in there with a dark towel. "The force of the jolt … the hit against the fuselage broke my oxygen line and I …." She shuddered again, drew in a deep breath and saw visible signs of the struggle he was having listening to her show upon his face. "I died as the _Normandy_ was torn to shreds around me in the skies over Alchera," she whispered, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks, but she kept her eyes locked onto his, and he in return.

Her breath caught momentarily as he moved with a speed she had forgotten in the time they were apart. His hands pulling her close, arms sliding around her, offering support. Though their reunion so far was short and still left open many questions requiring answers, to have him here, his arms around her like this, it almost took her back to a time and place that could be considered comforting. _Almost._ Teasing at the fringes of her consciousness again were memories of the days just before Virmire when they both thought they would have time, even surrounded by the madness of the chase after Saren.

"Kaidan," she managed to croak, but her voice broke as sobs took over and the weight of everything that had happened settled around her. She was here. He was here. Things were back as they were … the same, and yet not.

And still he held her. Spoke softly to her. Words she could not understand just then, but the tone in which he spoke them was more important than the content at that point. Soothing. Reassuring. Comforting. _Safe._ Again, she could almost reach that moment in the past, pull it around her and find reassurance.

Waking up on Lazarus Station and finding out she had lost over two years had left Sian faltering. She knew that. There had been no time to come to terms with anything; life, death, what had happened before, during, after. Some weeks removed from that now, Sian knew she still had issues - some psychological, some emotional, some physical - but the worst of it all was the fight every single day to find a reason to stay alive. She hadn't asked to be brought back. She could have lived with death; the thought that wherever she had gone he would be there too and she would never be alone.

To find out she had been forced back to the land of the living had left her reeling ...

Until now.

~ 0 ~

Kaidan held her close as she struggled through emotional turmoil that clearly needed an outlet of some sort. Never before had he witnessed such a reaction from her. Oh, he'd seen her emotions in action before: angry green fire flaring from her eyes as she faced the Council, so unwilling to listen to the facts of what was really going on in the galaxy around them; caring and compassion for a fellow survivor from Mindoir, adamant that the younger girl should live and recover instead of becoming a victim to her memories; witty and clever with incredible passion overflowing in her eyes as they verbally sparred against one another until finally agreeing to see what might become of their situation, of _them_. But this upset and distraught? This he had never witnessed, though he was not really surprised. The Commander Sian Shepard he knew was nothing if not a woman of passionate responses.

Gently, he guided her back to the couch, pulling her down onto his lap as he continued to hold her. One hand moved slowly, reassuringly, in caressing circles and other patterns across her shoulders and down her back. The other, fingers twined with hers, giving her a way to ground; physically linking herself to the present. She dropped her head to his shoulder, and he cradled it there, canting his head to the side, pressing his lips to her crown and hoping that what he could offer her right then would be enough. She moved as necessary, seeking out what comfort she wanted, her arms wrapping around him, and Kaidan did not deny her. In that moment, though, he also found opportunity.

"I would never have suggested you leave me on Virmire if there had been any other way. You do know that, don't you?"

She tensed beneath his touch, muscles stiffening, breath hitching, the slightest hint of her world coming to a halt for the merest fraction of a second before returning to normal speed. Moving his free hand to her hair, he pulled the pins that held the knot in place until the dark auburn curls came tumbling down her back and he could run his fingers through them. "I had to make sure the bomb went off."

Sian remained quiet, her head still resting at his shoulder, but he could tell he had her undivided attention now. "I had to make certain you got away," he continued. "You were the only one who could complete the mission to find Saren and stop him. I was merely a pawn -"

"Never!" Sian hissed, pushing herself up so that her eyes met his. He smiled when he recognized the temper there, eyes blazing with fiery indignation in response. "Dammit, Kaidan, you were never just 'a pawn' to me!"

Kaidan pulled his hand from her hair, sliding it around until it cradled her cheek. Keeping his eyes upon hers, he ran his thumb along her cheekbone, tracing the scars there. "I know that," he replied with all sincerity. "But you are missing my point: That lab had to be destroyed. There was no other option. And I was the one in place to make certain it happened."

He saw her shudder, eyes fluttering closed for a moment. Her breath hitched again, this time in a more worrying almost gurgling sort of sound, and instinct drove him to pull her back to him. "Sian, I -" he began, but she cut him off.

"You have no idea the hell I went through afterwards," she whispered painfully, "knowing that I was responsible for leaving you there to die!"

Kaidan pressed his lips to her cheek then, once, before pulling his other hand free and bringing it up until he could hold her face still between them, willing her to look directly at him as he continued. She did not fight him. "I do know," he countered quietly, calmly. "I went through something similar the moment you finally agreed to go for Ash and I realized I was going to have to watch you both fly away, leaving me behind."

The briefest flash of anger and pain and then fear crossed her face in the space of a heartbeat. She dove back towards him with another sob, her arms encircling him. He responded by holding her again. "We came under fire after you left," he continued on. "The few of us who remained at the bomb site held our ground as long as we could, but the geth had us outnumbered. By the time we got their numbers down to something manageable, I was the only one left."

He shifted slightly, but still held her close. "I took several hits - shoulder, hip, calf, back - and still somehow found a way to keep going." As he spoke, he took her hand and placed it over each injury point. "Holding back was never an option at that point," he added. Shortly after their initial meeting and the events on Eden Prime, she'd questioned him about why he held back with his biotics. Between events there and the fact she had been able to see that he was holding back, Kaidan had found a new way forward; the result being a more 'no holds barred' reaction in combat. On Virmire it was that and more. "But even that wasn't going to buy me time to get free from the blast radius."

Sian moved, sliding off his lap but not leaving his side. He watched her use the corners of her sleeves to dry her eyes before croaking out, "So … what happened? You," she took a deep breath before reaching out to trace her fingers over the scars at the left corner of his lip and continuing, "you aren't a clone."

Catching her by her wrist, Kaidan pulled her fingertips to his lips and kissed them. "I am no clone," he agreed soberly. "And what happened next is still somewhat of a hazy mystery to me, but I will tell you the story as best I know it." He turned on the couch to face her, one arm propped on the back edge of the furniture, the other dropping to his lap.

"The last definite thing I recall," he began, "was taking a bad hit - my shoulder. My shields were gone, I hadn't been recharging my barriers like I should have been, just focusing all my energy into one wave of biotic attacks after another in an effort to stay alive for as long as possible. So, when the hit came, it knocked me over as it tore through the armor." He winced, phantom pain reminding him of the events as they happened; his hand rising to rub at the affected area. "I tried to get back up - I could see that last geth coming towards me - but my world was already spinning out of control, literally. But then, from one second to the next it seemed, he just disappeared. Fell over backwards, and I couldn't figure out why. It took forever for me to realize that I wasn't alone, though it could only have been seconds I suppose. Then someone was at my side, helping me up." He shook his head, disbelief even at this late date still strong.

"Who was it?"

Kaidan managed a laugh. Eyes meeting hers, he murmured, "You aren't going to believe this. It was that asari researcher we ran into. Remember? The one who let us into Saren's private lab where the beacon was?"

Kaidan watched her pull back sharply as recognition dawned. "The one studying indoctrination?" He nodded. "Rana … Thanoptis, wasn't it?"

"Yes. She apparently was having trouble finding a way off planet after you told her to leave," he explained. "I remember her telling me about it, bits and pieces of it anyway. Most of what she told me was lost in a haze of pain at the time." He shook his head again. "I do remember her saying something about one last place to find a ship off Virmire. I guess that's where she was headed. She told me that if I wanted to live I would have to trust her."

Sian's eyes remained locked on his. "Then what happened?"

Kaidan brought his hands to his face for a moment. "I don't really know. I sort of remember us finding a ship and taking off, but the next really clear thing I can grab a hold of after that is waking up in the facility where you found me. I don't even know how I got there." Hands lowering, he shrugged. "When I woke, I was told that months had passed. Apparently, my wounds were worse than I originally thought."

"Months?" He watched Sian turn away, eyes following her as she rose to her feet again. "I … The _Normandy_ had gone down by then."

"Yes, but I wasn't told about that until later," he explained. "I had several surgeries and they kept me pretty drugged up after each one as I healed." She wandered over to stare into the fish tank, and Kaidan decided to follow her. Stepping up beside her, he eyed the three fish inside the tank. "Seems a pretty big tank for just a few fish."

She chuckled. "I'm not sure why," she admitted with a quick side glance at him, "but having them around helps. I keep adding to my collection as I can find them, one at a time. God knows there's plenty of room for expansion." Lifting her fingers to the glass, her image on the glass reflected a determined look he recognized all too well. "You're alright then?"

Kaidan frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Your surgeries. Karin gave you the all clear, but …."

Kaidan reached out to cover her hand with his. "I'm fine," he promised. "The last surgery was weeks ago. I've mostly been working on getting used to my new implant." He turned to face her, curling his fingers around her hand and pulling it with him as he did so. "I'm fit for duty, if that's what you are asking."

~ 0 ~

_I'm fit for duty …_

Sian lifted her eyes to meet his. "Yeah. About that," she began softly. "As you no doubt have figured out, I am currently under … new management, shall we say?"

His eyes did not waver, she noted. _Is that good or bad?_ "It's a story I'm curious to hear, I'll grant you that," he replied evenly, "but seeing as I am more or less in the same situation …."

Instinctively, her hand tightened around his before she released it. Mounting the stairs, she ducked around the corner by her desk and grabbed a datapad before returning to his side and handing it over to him. "Take a look at this first."

While he read through the information on the _Project Phoenix_, Sian waited patiently, watching his body language for any giveaway to his true feelings. At his best, before everything that had happened, Kaidan was a difficult man to read. Some things, she noted silently, never seemed to change. Whatever he was thinking as he read, he kept well hidden from her view.

"Lazarus?" he murmured as he finished. His eyes returned to hers. "That, I'm guessing, is you?"

Sian smiled. "Got it in one," she agreed.

Sighing, Kaidan handed the datapad back over. "I hesitate to ask what the 'Alliance-related missions' mentioned in there refer to, but I'm sure I can guess."

"I think we both can." Sian returned the pad to her desk. "Right now, however, we might be able to work around that … if you are willing."

"How do you mean?"

Crossing her arms, Sian began to explain. "My mission at the moment is to find a way to defeat the Collectors."

Kaidan's eyes widened. "The Collectors? I thought they were just a myth."

Sian snorted softly. "You're beginning to sound like the Council," she mused with just a hint of teasing.

He looked … horrified, Sian realized after a moment. "Look, I'm not saying I -"

Sian lifted a hand to silence him. "Let it go, Kaidan," she told him apologetically. "Poor joke on my part." She waited for his nod before she continued. "Unfortunately, the Collectors are _not_ a myth. I haven't figured out why yet, but they are the ones who attacked and destroyed the SR1. Since then, and while Cerberus was bringing me back to life, they have taken to kidnapping human colonies." She saw his eyes widen and nodded. "_Entire_ human colonies for the most part. Nothing left to explain it, either. One minute there, the next gone. No evidence of fighting or battle or anything left behind."

"How?" he asked. "How do you take a colony without leaving any evidence behind?"

"We caught a break shortly after I … woke up." She cringed inwardly at the memory. "We got a lead on Freedom's Progress, the latest colony taken at the time. Upon investigation, we found that a quarian who was on his pilgrimage there -"

"Quarian?"

Sian nodded. "I ran into Tali on that mission, too. Apparently, the young man involved is one who has trouble in crowds and stressful situations and so he opted to go to a smaller human colony to serve."

"And he survived the attack?"

"He did. From what we can tell, the Collectors might have had their equipment calibrated specifically to identify humans. Or maybe his envirosuit hid his lifesigns from the Collectors' scanners." She shrugged. "Whatever the case, because he wasn't taken he was able to piece together security vids of the Collectors taking the colonists." Sian led Kaidan back up to her computer and pulled up the footage so he could watch for himself.

"My God," he breathed a few moments later. "What … what are these things?"

Sian reached in front of him to close the screen. "Swarms of some sort of nano probe that they send out. They sting, injecting their victim with a paralyzing agent." Turning, she leaned her hips back against the edge of the table. "We managed to capture one and Mordin has been analyzing it. He's trying to find some way to counteract whatever it is they use."

Kaidan stood there for a long moment, eyes staring straight ahead at her model collection, Sian noted, but she suspected he wasn't really seeing them. "But … why Cerberus?" he asked. "Why not take this to the Alliance?"

Sian folded her arms across her chest, brows narrowing as she scowled. "I did take it to the Alliance," she told him. "Spoke to Anderson - well, _Councilor_ Anderson that is. They and the Council are more concerned with how I managed to return and who might be pulling my strings rather than the fate of our colonies in the Traverse." Her eyes narrowed further. "Shit, they're so worried about me being a spy or something they won't even tell me how to get in touch with Ash."

Anger and irritation bubbling up, Sian pushed herself away from the desk and began to move around Kaidan. For his part, he started to move out of the way, but then stopped, partly blocking Sian's exit. "Kaidan, what -"

He reached around her, lifting a picture frame into his hand. "Where … How did you get this?" he breathed.

Sian glanced to her right. "Ah." Reaching over, she took the photo from him, her scowl fading to a softer look. "I'm not sure how they - Cerberus, I mean - knew, but … yeah. After Virmire, I erm …" She couldn't hide the blush that stained her cheeks just then, and instead looked away, frame hanging loosely in her hand.

Kaidan reached down and rescued the picture, returning it to the desk before he turned to face her. Lifting a hand beneath her chin, Sian thought to fight his redirect, but in the end she allowed it and their eyes met. And for the third time in the past hour, Sian felt that shift that almost took them back in time … only this time it didn't fade so quickly and the residual effects were oh so sweet.

"Sian."

Sian swallowed past a sudden tightness in her throat. "Kaidan, I …."

His hand moved to frame her cheek and Sian could not resist leaning into his touch. "What happens now?" he asked.

Sian took a deep breath. "I keep fighting the Collectors." She moved one hand to his chest resting it flat over the general area of his heart. She wasn't sure if the gentle race she felt was his heartbeat or her own just then. "And that means putting the rest of my team together."

He nodded, though his eyes remained locked onto hers. "And me?"

"That," she told him, "is completely up to you. I know how you feel about regs and all -"

Kaidan snorted softly. "Given the circumstances under which you found me," he replied, "I somehow doubt the Alliance would do anything but react the same as they did to you." He nodded towards the datapad. "Especially once that information comes to light."

"Like I said," she insisted, "it's your decision. If you want to approach the Alliance or Anderson or, well, whoever, I will take you where you need to be."

"And if I want to stay here with you?" he challenged.

"That is always an option, too," she agreed. Then she added, "We are currently enroute to the Citadel. Indirectly, anyway."

"Indirectly?"

Sian nodded. "We have a stop to make along the way. The Imir System. A planet called Korlus."

"And what is on Korlus?" he asked.

Sian smiled. "A krogan warlord with a connection to the Collectors," she replied. "I could probably use some extra help on this one. Want in?"

Kaidan's lips curved upwards just enough to let her know it was genuine. "And have the chance to team up with you again?" he asked. "Wouldn't miss it."


	3. Chapter 3

"Still as persuasive as ever, I see."

Though they were in the middle of battle - currently facing more waves of O'Keer's rejected tank-bred krogan - Sian chuckled in response to Kaidan's wry observation. _That merc deserved it_, she thought. "Are you suggesting my bedside manner has improved?"

Kaidan's only response was to utilize a biotic _Throw_ on a target that Jack had just lit up with a _Warp_ moments before. The resultant explosion and backlash from the combination of powers would have knocked Sian and Jack off their feet if they had been any closer. Instead, Kaidan found them turning sharply on him, their startled expressions focused solely on him for the moment.

"What the _fuck_ was that?!" Jack demanded.

Kaidan ignored her for the moment while flashing Sian a sheepish smile. "Has Miranda briefed you on the full potential of your new implant yet?" he asked.

Sian's eyes widened at the implication then quickly narrowed as they darted across the battlefield where the Illusive Man's agent was currently facing her own krogan difficulties. "Must've slipped her mind," Sian muttered by way of reply.

The fighting continued around them, but in the momentary lapses between frantic battles for self-preservation, Kaidan managed to explain. "With the increased power of the L5 implants, and the application of certain biotic power combinations, you can create waves of force to use against your opponent. Each combination differs slightly in radius and effective damage depending on what combination you're using, but over all it's safe to say that it's at least twice as effective as a singular power used in an attack would be."

"Fuck that technical shit!" Jack snarled. "Just get to the good stuff!"

This time Kaidan did chuckle. "You need a source power first - think of it as a set up. _Singularity, Stasis, Warp_ - all are good. Even _Shockwave _can be used though timing with that is a bit trickier."

"And the trigger?" Sian asked as yet several more krogan barrelled into the area. It seemed as if O'Keer had a never ending supply of the creatures. Sian almost felt as if she was having flashbacks to Virmire.

"Anything with enough power behind it," he replied. "Again, _Warp, Shockwave_. _Throw_ works well, too. _Reave_, if you know it, can be both a source and a trigger, like _Warp_." He threw a _Warp_ at one of the charging krogan and nodded over at Sian.

Putting all her effort behind her move, Sian launched a _Warp_, evaluating the instantaneous reaction as it hit.

"Fuck!"

Sian's lips curved upwards even as Jack moved right on into following up using the second target Kaidan lit up with a _Warp_ for her. "That," Sian replied, "could come in _very_ handy. Where did you pick that up?"

Jack snorted, the delight at learning the new skill evident in her tone. "He's a boy scout, right?" she tossed over flippantly. "Probably got it out of the manual."

Sian laughed as Jack darted on up ahead now that the krogan seemed to have stopped coming at them in continuous waves for the moment. Pressing her fingers to her comm link to signal the others, she announced, "Alright. Move on up."

Kaidan fell into step beside Sian, assault rifle in hand. "She's partly right," he admitted when they were alone. "The rest was explained to me as they started training me how to use the L5x."

Sian nodded slowly, anger at what had been done to him still simmering below the surface but held in check for now. "It's good to know," she agreed, though she wondered if or when she might receive a full briefing herself. It seemed as if her early revival had caused more than just a few steps in the process to be skipped along the way.

The group continued forward, eventually entering a run down, ramshackle of a building. Their only route lay upwards, and between them and O'Keer stood numerous Blue Suns mercs, some of whom had heavy weapons at their disposal. Through prior agreement, Garrus remained ahead of them, attempting to find perches that gave him open shots with his sniper rifle. Zaeed and Jacob provided as heavy covering fire as Sian's team could manage while Miranda, Jack, Kaidan and Sian relied on weapons and biotics. Kasumi, as usual, was busily flitting across the battlefield, popping up behind the lines to interrupt attacks upon the team at unexpected moments, especially for the mercs, before shimmering back behind her tactical cloak and dashing off once more. If she and the others weren't so used to the thief's skills by now, Sian might have laughed at the antics, and she was certain she heard Kaidan chuckle more than once.

Several floors and many more dead mercs upwards they came upon a door where the lock had been tampered with such that it would not open. "Kaidan, you're up," she told him. If there was one thing she'd missed since their separation at Virmire, it was his ability to easily get past technical blocks such as this. She could have done it using some of the same techniques - he'd been passing on some of his methods to her at the time of Virmire - but for varying reasons, she never seemed able to recreate his success. Garrus had occasionally had some luck, though not on as broad of a scale, and Kasumi often was willing to try ("Hey, Shep, what kind of thief would I be if I couldn't get in to the places I wanted to steal from, hmm?") though she too had varying degrees of success. Miranda admitted openly her talents did not lie in that direction. Having Kaidan back on her team added a whole new dimension to missions now.

"Got it," he replied a couple of minutes later.

Stepping beside him, Sian began leading the way forward once again ….

"Shepard, don't shoot! You know who I am!"

Sian pulled up short, hearing the squadmates behind her grunting softly in exclamation as progress forward came to a sudden and unexpected halt. Beside her, she felt Kaidan jerk up suddenly.

"I shut down the security cams as soon as I saw it was you."

Sian glanced over at Kaidan and noted the stunned expression on his face. "Rana?"

The asari standing before them glanced over and soon smiled. "Lieutenant Alenko." She almost seemed to sigh in relief. "I was hoping Cerberus might be able to help you where I could not."

Sian gasped as the name clicked and everything fell into place. _Rana Thanoptis_. "It was _you_ who turned him over to Cerberus?"

Rana nodded. "Didn't he tell you? I helped him to escape Virmire - found a utility pod, but escape's escape no matter how you make it, right? After we were safely away, I did what I could for him but my skills in general first aid are limited."

Kaidan's hand rose to his temple. "I … I don't remember any of it," he murmured.

"Not surprising, really. You were pretty severely injured. You lost a lot of blood, some of your injuries were well beyond what I could cope with."

"But why Cerberus?" Sian asked. "And when? How? Why not take him to an Alliance outpost or one of our colonies?"

Rana sighed. "To be honest, at the time I didn't give it much thought." Sian scowled and Rana lifted her hands. "That's not quite what I meant," she tried again. "We managed to get out of the system fine and were on our way to what I thought was an Alliance outpost when we were met by a ship." She shrugged. "They were human, non-mercs from everything I could tell and they offered assistance. When they offered to provide medical help to the lieutenant, I agreed knowing I could do nothing more to help him. I didn't realize they were Cerberus until the end, and even if I had it wouldn't have meant much." Her eyes met Sian's. "Cerberus' reputation didn't fully start coming to light until after your death, Commander."

Sian's eyes darted over to Miranda's, darkening just a bit. "Sounds like you were targeted," she observed. Miranda remained silent.

"Looking back," Rana told her, "I would have to agree. They arrived at the right time with the right people and acted as if they knew almost exactly what they would find." She turned back to face Kaidan. "I always wondered if I had gotten you the help you needed in time."

Blinking back confusion, Kaidan nodded. "You did," he assured her. The details of the 'help' given by Cerberus didn't need airing right now.

Sian sighed softly. They didn't have time for a drawn out reunion, and a quick glance around the room told her that Rana was apparently involved in whatever was going on with O'Keer. "I assume you have a good reason for being at this lab?" she demanded of the asari after a moment.

Rana's attention quickly focused back on Sian. "Don't worry, Commander, I'm not wasting the second chance you gave me. My work here? Strictly beneficial."

"Beneficial?" Miranda's observation was an echoing of Sian's silent ones as she scanned the room once again.

"Not for the mercs," Rana rushed on to explain. "Jedore is on a standard power trip. But O'Keer is trying to do something good, even if his methods are a little extreme."

"Goddamn barbaric, you ask me," Zaeed growled.

"Everyone deserves a second chance, right?" Rana countered. "And sometimes giving one pays off. I take care of my debts."

Sian shook her head, but only asked, "So what is it that O'Keer is trying to do here?"

Rana sighed, walking over to stand beside a medical gurney containing the remains of a krogan. "It's complicated," she began. "Jedore wants a private army, but O'Keer mostly ignores her. He's running the project for his own reasons. I created a mental imprint routine to educate his tank-bred. Most don't get through it though. He dumps them for some reason."

"Why?" Kaidan asked.

Rana shrugged. "He wants to help his people, but he's not going for a genophage cure and he's not going for numbers. That's all I know."

Which still left a lot of questions unanswered in Sian's mind. Eyes narrowing, she considered her options. "Finding you in a place like this makes me think letting you go was a mistake," she finally announced. "You don't want that."

Rana nodded immediately, backing away from the table. "We both agree on that. Don't worry, I plan to stay as far away from anything having to deal with you as possible." Her eyes moved around the group before coming back to rest on Sian's. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to run like hell before you blow the place or something. I know how you work."

Sian stepped to her left and Kaidan to the right opening a space for the asari to depart through. Once out of the room, Sian heard Jack mutter, "That'll come back and bite you in the ass some day."

Sian shrugged. "I'll deal with it then," she replied. Nodding across the room, she told the others, "Let's go." But before following them all, she stepped over beside Kaidan. "You okay?" she asked quietly.

He seemed pulled together now and not nearly as rattled as he might have been at finding out how he had ended up in Cerberus' hands, Sian thought. "I'm good," he assured her. Then taking a deep breath, he concluded, "Come on. We've got a mission to finish."

~ 0 ~

"You okay?"

Sian glanced up from the cup of tea she was steeping over in the galley. Gardner's shift had ended and she preferred making her own tea anyway. "Shouldn't I be the one asking you that after today's mission?" she returned.

Kaidan entered the galley, coming to a halt beside her and resting his hips against the counter. "I'm not the one who just went head to head with the galaxy's 'perfect krogan,' am I?"

Sian rolled her eyes. "Are you going to stop answering my questions with questions of your own anytime soon?"

Kaidan chuckled, dipping his head for a moment. "Point," he agreed. Sighing, he leaned back. "Reminds me of that time on the old _Normandy_," he mused quietly.

Sian reached for the sugar, doctoring her tea as she smiled fondly. "I truly thought Ash might end up throwing a punch at you for that," she recollected. "And trust me, it takes a _lot_ to stir her up that much."

"Thing was," he replied with a knowing grin, "I didn't even realize I was doing that at the time. After she pointed it out, however, how could I not continue?" That there was payback for a prank their previous visit on the Citadel was left unsaid.

"Oh?"

He nodded. "If she hadn't said a word about it, I never would have realized what was happening," he admitted. "Once she did, I couldn't resist."

Sian chuckled and lifted her mug before nodding towards the elevator. "You do have this evil impish side to you at times, don't you?" she teased. Sighing in relative contentment, she continued, "I'm heading upstairs. Feel free to join me if you want the discussion to continue."

He followed. "Maybe for a little while. I've got about an hour before I agreed to cover for Joker so he can catch a nap before we arrive at the Citadel."

Sian's smile softened as the elevator door shut leaving them alone inside. "I'd almost forgotten how you would do that for him," she murmured, lifting the mug to her lips for a careful sip. Sighing, she added, "I'd almost forgotten a lot of things I guess." _After you were no longer with us._

"Not the important things at least," he challenged.

Her eyes darted up to meet his. "What do you mean?"

Kaidan's smile was wide, warm, gentle and focused solely on her. "You didn't forget me when it counted."

Sian's breath caught, eyes widening slightly in shock at the thought. "I … How could I?" she managed as the elevator slowly halted just outside of her cabin. When she hesitated to walk out of the now open carriage, he reached over and took her hand, tugging it gently to remind her she had reached her destination.

Sian followed him across the landing in a daze, her world suddenly tilting drastically on its axis. "The _minute_ I knew you were alive, I was on my way," she told him, her voice strong, sure, but with a hint of something tight in it. "Jack figured it out first. She told Garrus who then pulled me into it."

She came to a halt at the top of the stairs, her eyes drifting around the cabin, slowly returning to meet his as he stood beside her. Turning so that her back was against the fishtank, she barely even registered that the mug was still in her hands until Kaidan took it from her and set it on the edge of her desk behind him. "I was torn." The admission left her voice cracking this time. "Part of me wanted to jump at the chance that you somehow survived, and yet I was terrified of what I might find if I came after you." Tears welled up but she managed to hold them back for the moment. With Kaidan standing in front of her like this, the intensity of his gaze locked onto hers, waves of that original confliction returned with a vengeance, and she found it difficult to keep from telling him the truth. "I wanted you back," she rasped. "_Needed_ you back. Here. With me. For too damned many reasons than I can even begin to tell you right now, but …."

Hands rising to rub furiously across her cheeks, Sian broke eye contact with him. "I also knew what I might find. I was well aware of the things Cerberus did to me to bring me back. I was told similar things had been done to you. I was also warned by Miranda that because of what was done you might not be the same person you once were." Sian shuddered. "I don't know how much truth there was in what she said, but in the end I decided I had to take the risk."

His eyes never left hers; his gaze just as level and controlled as always. "Why?"

"Because the cost of knowing you were alive and not having you with me was just too much …."

The admission reached the end of Sian's limits. Before Virmire both she and Kaidan knew that their lives were becoming tangled together, but they never had the chance to find out whether or not it would become something more … permanent. But now, she could no longer keep from him the truth as she saw it. What he decided to do with the knowledge was up to him.

Kaidan's hands moved quickly, framing her face and gently coaxing her to look back up at him. Sian allowed it, ignoring the fresh tears that slowly trickled from the corners of her eyes down her cheeks and across his skin. "Sian …."

Lifting her own hand she molded it to the shape of his cheek, her thumb tracing the faded scars at the corner of his mouth. Leaning towards him, she lifted herself on tiptoe and ghosted her lips across his. His hands lowered to her waist to hold her steady, but the moment they touched, the electric charge that jumped from one to the other had him lifting her, pressing her back against the wall of the fish tank even as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him as close as she could. What once might have been a more gentle pursuit of dawning affection and attention for one another gave way to full blown need and desire. They lost one another once, before they'd had opportunity to explore anything. Now they had a second chance and neither, it seemed, wanted it to go to waste.

"So," he growled softly against the side of her neck as he kissed a trail up towards her ear, "we're heading to the Citadel?"

Sian moaned as his lips and teeth scraped lightly across all of the sensitive pressure points. "Yes?" Focus was incredibly difficult just then.

He chuckled and felt her shiver in response, noting that for more attention later. "I was just thinking."

"Thinking is overrated just now," she groaned.

Again he chuckled. "You'll like this," he promised.

Pulling her head back from his, Sian unsuccessfully attempted to repress another shiver. "What?"

"I seem to recall that I owe you a dinner …."

* * *

_**Thank you to all who have shown so much interest in Sian Shepard! Her story is being told in multiple short pieces rather than one long story, so there will be follow ups to come! **_


End file.
